Anxious to crawl into bed

Ok. So, I am going off the cool factor here, like I have ever been close to being cool but I am just giddy with excitement. The bed situation in the Fun Finder isn't exactly fun. To be honest, it wasn't the least bit comfortable and my back has let me know it everyday. Well, today my friends, that has all changed. I am the proud owner of a pillow top mattress. Possibly trivial to you younger people but mark my words, someday the comfort of your bed will be everything. Without a cozy, comfy bed, you will wake up sore,
spend your entire day in pain, and get *real cranky.* That all ends tonight.

 Being a pillow top, the thickness of the mattress is what an average box spring and mattress together would be. I'll see over time how that effects trivial matters like hitting my head on the upper bed and sleeping even with the windows. Also, the depth of the bed is deeper so it cuts into my dining area, but adds to the storage area underneath. Bonus. I took the table out a few days ago as it was something to maneuver around so I am use to it not being here. And don't miss it. Of coarse, adding a bed completely changes everything about the Fun Finder. The cushions that came with it are now in the back of the truck until I decide where to store them. I really dont want to get rid of them just yet as none of them fit now. Luckily, I have several extra pillows that neatly fit next to the head of the bed where I am typing this from. Yes, it is very comfortable to sit here now. Opposite me I am considering building a shelving/storage unit that can be easily moved to access the water heater, etc. underneath yet stay put while driving down the road. Believe it or not, a little extra storage in 15 foot would be nice too.

  This simple change has made me anxious to manifest more in my life. The bed is new and was given to me by my hosts Kevin and Paul. Christmas day their wireless router stopped working and I just happen to have an extra one that I freely and joyfully gave them. Thought creates.

Keeping the Spirit

The holidays have proven to be a busy time. Lounging in the Fun Finder for an entire 'day after' has been sweet. Gearing up for more visits to numerous friends in various parts of the state; Neil in St. Pete, Regg in Tampa, Andy in Ft. Myers, and Patricia who I met at a rest stop on my way here. Looking forward to seeing faces that I haven't seen in years. And the Florida weather is a great backdrop to this time of year: palm trees with Christmas lights. Gotta love it.

New Attitude

Well, after giving my blog comments much thought, I have changed my attitude. Although, there is nothing that I can do about the weather. Driving the Fun Finder today was completely different. Not that we didn't sway from side to side when the wind blew or feel like we were being pushed off the road every time a semi passed us. And I mean every time. I focused on what I accomplished. I drove a total of 1100 miles with little incident. I managed to successfully drive through 3 metropolitan areas in one day with no trouble. Focusing on the positive accomplishments has given me attitude. And we all need a good one. Today the unknown is my friend, my co-pilot.At a rest stop, I talked to Patricia who lives in her 36 foot A class. We talked for 2 hours without pause for my travel plans. That IS what this is about. Being open to whatever comes my way. We shared the same attitudes about food, people, this lifestyle, and many other things. Funny how striking up a conversation with a complete stranger in a highway rest stop can lead to really cool conversations. The weather is still dogging me. I am now in Brunswick, GA and it is to get down to the teens tonight. My heater doesn't run without electric so I am using the stove as heat. I have yet to sleep in the upper bed but with all the heat staying close to the ceiling, I am writing this from my oh so cozy perch. Dang I'm loving this lifestyle. There are several of us parked here. I talked to an old timer who is living in a step van. He told me apparently someone left a note on my truck. Funny as I know no one here. Finally, feeling blue about my family is something that is going to be expected on the anniversary of their deaths. I deem it ok to be melancholy- as long as I don't bring someone else down.

Settled in

 It's been a while since I have written. I had a great week with Greg and Mary in King, NC. It was a place of feeling safe to begin this journey.  I spent the time getting familiar with the Fun Finder, selling the final items on ebay, and just breathing. I went from one type of life to another in a matter of a day, not realizing the strain of the adjustment. Driving the Fun Finder turns out to be the most stressful. A few hours of driving feels like a full days worth. The cold from the north has dogged my entire travels, actually snowing 2 inches in King. I hate being cold. And finally, being faced with the anniversary of loosing Mom and brother Bill around the holidays is hitting me much harder than I thought. I cry at songs that we listened to as a kid, and thoughts of Christmas past. The beginning of this adventure is turning out to be off track from the vision. It seems to be turning into learning quite a bit about myself. A vision quest unintended. I'm not sure I'm ready for this.

I'm writing this with a bit of delirium about myself. I shortly arrived at my couchsurfing destination in Harrisonburg, VA. Mapquest stated that it would be a 5 hour 40 minute journey while it took the Fun Finder and me just over 8 hours. The weather this morning was just short of a typhoon with incessant rain and wind the 3 Little Pigs would be envious of. Several gusts caught us yet we weren't deterred. Although I believe there to be a permanent hand imprint on the steering wheel. I was neglectful of removing my eyes from the road as when I did, we consistently wandered where we weren't welcome, or at least where I didn't want to be. In the same lane as another moving V-hickle as Sherman Potter would say. Ann helped me pack this morning while the typhoon was under way but not in full force. Last evening we attempted to back the Fun Finder into her driveway. Picture her standing on the sidewalk in the rain with an umbrella in her hand, all closed, not open, shaking it every so often as if ringing a chickens neck while shouting out directions to me sitting in the truck. Did i mention it was dark out and that every car in Wellsboro decided right then to drive down Nichols street. Really. I did manage to add another scar to the Fun Finder but no success backing into her driveway. The mastering of that minor necessity will have to wait, along with all too numerous other trivial necessities such as leveling the trailer, maneuvering gas station pumps, and when not to use overdrive.

  Yesterday was the sale of moms house. I flip back and forth about what I call it. It really wasn't mine. I simply inherited it. Mom, Dad, Grandpa Stager and numerous other family members assisted in the construction on land that was from my paternal grandparents. Family members that have commented state that it is sad that it is gone, and I guess that it is for them.  I am not sad. Maybe someday, but life's too short and things are just things. Until we attach a memory or emotional value to them. Wherever I go, the past and all the people who shared it will always be with me

I am ready for this adventure of life to begin.

 The house is empty except for items that go into the trailer. I would have put them in today but it is going down to be down in the low 20's tonight. Oh the longing for sun and warmth. I visited, for the last time, my uncle who noted for at least the 3rd time that I can bring my little home on wheels back to his place anytime to visit. He was visibly emotional by my leaving. He shook my hand and then gave me a hug. The first one I remember. The ending of a lifetime of memories for him, the first glimpse of caring for me.

 I spent Thanksgiving with a new friend and her family. It was truly great. I figured that I would constantly be in situations where I was the new person so I will count this as the beginning of the Spiritual Nomad lifestyle. My host, Kate, and I have a spiritual bond that is best described as a cozy warm blanket wrapped around me while gazing out of the window onto natures painting. Meeting my friends family, with their  different lifestyle and traditions, is always an interest to me. I am fascinate by how other people make this life a life. And they do a great job of it.
  Then I went to see the remaining family that resides here. At one time, my father and his 2 brothers lived in on the same street with their families and my grandparents on my paternal side. Everyone has passed except my fathers youngest brother and his wife who still have the original farm. At the turn of the last century my family owned most of this valley. All that is left is about 80 acres as time truly changes everything. Selling my family homestead has become less emotional for me as it is now time for my dreams to come true. I am so thankful for the friends, family, and the simple opportunity to experience life on my terms, finally.

 Today I spent moving into the Fun Finder. So far everything is fitting. 2 more rooms in the house are also empty. Today was peaceful and easy emotionally. It is great to be moving forward with life.

 Yesterday and today have been extremely productive. Last minute runs to Goodwill and the 2 storage locations that I have are requiring less possessions being moved about. My one location is at a friends barn where the goal was to keep what I deemed necessities. And things that I just didn't have time to sell. Funny what a person deems necessary. I kept, in no particular order of importance, gardening paraphernalia including my 2 beloved swings. There's just something about a swing that signifies a great view with time to enjoy it. The one is so beautifully crafted that I doubt I could ever find another. Childhood toys that are mostly my brothers. His are from the the late 50's and early 60's. They are just too cool to part with. Carpentry tools are always good to have. Books. What can I say. I love them. And a few miscellaneous items of kitschy home decor. I intend to return in the spring to have yet another yard sale and purging. The other storage location is at antoher friends. Here I kept Christmas items that I just can't part with. I use to be Mr. Christmas, spending thousands of dollars on decorations that were hand blown glass. Other items kept there are items that I didn't want to keep in a barn. This location isn't heated but it is an insulated room. Again, in the spring will be another purging, depending upon the lifestyle at the time. Great thing about life is that one never knows what the future holds. On my way home, I spotted a double rainbow. The 2nd one in my lifetime. I pulled over and just stared while the rest of the world seemed completely oblivious. And I didn't have my camera phone....

 More items have been leaving the house, either through giving them away, selling them, or storing them. I think it's funny how I have 9 days left and I am still listing things on craigslist and this evening ended yet another windfall on ebay. I am truly blessed. The added finances will be of benefit not only to myself but others, allowing me to volunteer my services to anyone who needs them.
 My buddy Matt came up Saturday to assist with moving items. It was a great way for us to spend time together and to share spiritual thoughts and ideas. And I am grateful that he was here as the new owners are trying at times. Instead of asking me something, they called their Realtor to call mine to call me to ask me something when I was talking and standing right next to them 20 minutes previous. Accepting people as they are is much easier said than done when they are more on your thought and behavior level. Dealing with people older than myself  who's behavior is more like a 7 year old challenges me to walk the talk. It took me a few minutes to come around spiritually and think that I would have to hold their hands through this process and show them love, maturity, sacrifice, and open communication without anger, having to be pushy or obnoxious to have needs met.  Which seems to be how many people attain their needs. Force. To be fair, it takes a strong person to be spiritual. Instead of looking externally to find the answers, we look  internally. External is easy. Do this, think that, this will be the result. Follow the leader and all will be well. To look internal requires so much more. The unknown of self and the possibility to recognize and identify traits we may want to change is difficult. We only have ourselves to interpret ourselves. In my opinion, the most difficult task on earth. To know thyself. It is a lifelong process and one that some of us have no control over. We must constantly monitor ourselves and improve our
spiritualism, to be a better person. 

One step closer

 Finding my time today not engulfed with packing, sorting, and selling,  I am actually beginning to enjoy this process more. I know that I should have been all along. I know. How did i get off that balance where all was good. Will I ever find balance again? I hope so. I keep saying to myself 'when'.  When mom passes, I can start my life. When settling the estates are done, I can start my life. When the house closes, I can start my life. I am so fucking sick of when. I think it's just an excuse. For some reason. I had a situation today where I wasn't the man/person that I want to be. I took the ego approach. I am so sick of dreaming of the man that  I want to be instead of just being him. I am so tired of reacting with ego or fear.When the hell am I ever going to slow down and get it right.

All a dream

 Today is the first time that I actually feel that I can see the end in sight. The majority of the packing, sorting, storing is complete, leaving entire rooms empty. 2 weeks from today I will be sitting at closing, probably thinking this is all a dream. 6 years caring for a parent. 6 years. I put my life on hold, not all by choice. Daily watching the color of my life fade away while reminders of lost dreams play like a soft tune in the background. But then, without this experience,  would I be living in a travel trailer traveling the country. My lifelong dream.

Windfall

 The past couple days are unusual in the fact that I have earned, oh, about $2300. Half of what I earned all of last year.  Between ebay, craigslist, and scrap metal, who knew my possessions would bring this kind of green within such a short time of leaving on this vagabond dreams journey. A very welcome gesture from the Universe as a sending off. Thank you Universe. The Fun Finder travel trailer  will be the recipient of the windfall. A tidy little 2000 watt generator, and 2 6 volt Trojan batteries will sparkle like a crown on his brow. For myself, a used camcorder. Part of the dream of the experience is to make video travel blogs, regional cooking blogs, and eventually a documentary. I never did enjoy regular television too much but I could watch The National Parks "America's Best Idea" over and over. There's something about a connection, education, or simply exposure to a person, place or thing that beats a sitcom hands down.

It's been rewarding to document the ups and downs of this experience. I can happily report that I have regained balance.Consistently. Even when the guy who purchased the desk set tried to carry part of it through a doorway  not as wide as the desk, marring the trim that, for a lifetime, was meticulously cared for. Not to mention the fact that after he bounced off the trim the first time, he tried again. I kept my cool. The damage was done but I wasn't going to allow it to manipulate me.

 It's amazing how much time it takes to dissolve an estate. Well, actually 2 estates. My mother lived in this house for 60 years where she raised 4 children. Since I lived here also, all my possessions were here. A few of my older siblings items were here also. Mostly my brothers. I have the belief that dissolving an estate does not include having a dumpster dropped off in the driveway and all items disposed of in that manner. No, I have to go through every item, every box, virtually every paper to honor my heritage. Now, don't get me wrong, things did get thrown away, but only after they had been acknowledged. Things also got sold. I spent more time on ebay and craigslist than anyone can imagine. And just today I made more money in one day that I have ever made in my lifetime. I sold 3 Old World Christmas lights that I had purchased as gifts for mom, Ellen, Lori, and myself in the late 80's and early 90's. $1700 in sales in one day. Also, I have had 4 yard sales in the past 2 years and can honestly state that i have given away enough items to completely furnish a home. I don't believe in filling landfills with things that someone else can use. Thank God for freecycle. And it will be very interesting to utilize these marketplaces in other parts of the country to experience peoples behaviors there.

The past couple weeks I have tried to be optimistic about this adventure that I am undertaking. Somehow, I have gotten bogged down in the process of ridding myself of virtually all material possessions, even letting little old lady's piss me off.  I should be happy for cripes sake. I shouldn't have to try to be optimistic. My soul has told me for a long time that this is my destiny. This is why I am on this earth.
  I was with a new friend at lunch today. She called my vagabond journey a vision quest. The second she
stated it, I knew that was what I was doing. I lived under the rule of a parent that made sure there was absolutely no joy in my life, and that reiterated daily my lack of worth. It only makes sense that I would be looking for myself. We also talked about not being optimistic and that there is only Love and fear. I was obviously coming from fear. Damn! and I know better. It upsets me so to be on this spiritual journey and forget the basics. I guess I have neglected that side of myself.

The dining room table and chairs left this evening for their new home, new memories. They were purchased by my parents as their first set in the home that they built, along with my maternal grandfather.
Lifetimes were born and died around the simple elegance of it's mannered frame. It holds the energy of many many souls, who's whereabouts are long ago forgotten. Childhood memories of stilted love. Adolescent boredom, nervous tension and countless burnt meals, yet the significance of it being carried out, piece by piece in the dark of night feels heavy.

I love laying in bed before completely waking up.
That period of cozy, warmth. The mind with it's thoughts.
It is as close to meditating that I have gotten lately.
I find that my thinking, or whatever my mind is doing, is clear, insightful.
Maybe a better way to state that is that my thoughts seem precise
and without fear. I believe that I can see things clearly. Problems or issues
are figured out in a place of peace and safety. I love that time of day
and the clarity that comes with it.

I  had a realization that I have been allowing the events of my life control me. I KNOW better than this, but somehow I got caught up in it. There is so much to do with moving out of the homestead and preparing for a life on wheels, which I know virtually nothing about. I am a type of person who doesn't enjoy being unprepared, yet have hungered over a lifestyle that is completely unplanned, traveling with the wind of fate to fulfill adventure where it blooms. Which one am I? Controlling, precise, planned or carefree, faithful in the knowledge that who and what I am to experience will expose themselves to me.
I know and believe that I am a co-creator in this life experience. That the Universe and I are a team. We work together creating by my thoughts and that I also must experience events that are preplanned for me.
Somehow I lost sight of reality, what is important. So I slowed down today. I stopped and chatted with Kate who had taken care of mom while she was in Hospice. I returned some tools that I borrowed to remove the hot water drain and hoped for a visit with Timothy but he wasn't home. While driving to have some
work done on the red truck, I noticed 2 hawks together high up in a tree. A mile or so down the road I spotted another one.
Hawks seem to be a totem animal for me. I see them often, but not lately.
The point is to control how I deal with life events and situations and not let them control me. To remember that if I am so busy doing, that I won't see the miracles around me nor the communication with Spirit. 

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Spiritual Nomad is a non-fictional story of my life's experiences. The story will weave my current spiritual vagabond adventure and past life events into the exploration of self, Spiritualism, living on the road, and the people that I encounter along the way.

My goal is to live a Spiritual Nomadic life that is full of adventure. I have no direction, rather I trust that I will be guided by Spirit where I am needed and that the events and people that I meet will allow me in some way to make a difference.

I believe that I am meant to wander this earth, drifting in and out of people's lives reflecting joy and peace. I have innate talents knowing who a person is just by looking at them. To me, people wear who they are for me to read, like the words on a page. I can clearly see what type and kind of person they are. I can see their hopes and joys, and I can see their pain.