Looking back over the years, so much makes sense. Finally. Actually, I guess that i am lucky to figure things out. I remember just sort of being out of it when I was a kid. Never really grasping the moment, at least on the level that I knew that I was suppose to. Always being in a fog, my mind and body not fitting into what was transpiring at the time. I think that I was intuitive then. I know I was. I have been doing some reading, 'Develop your psychic skills.' It explains my thinking/reactions to many situations in my life. I didn't know how to handle my ability and due to my childhood, blamed myself for the times that I was picking up on someone else's emotions. I could wait in line at the grocery store and feel the angst of the person behind me. I would blame myself, thinking that they were upset with me. Reading this book has taught me that thinking that was childish and that I need to learn how to understand and possibly apply that I am 'feeling.' The drama of my childhood was a double edged sword. Did it enhance or create my psychic abilities? Without those traumatic experiences, maybe I wouldn't be psychic. Who knows. The past is just that, the past. I don't care to dwell on it. Most of the time. As an adult, I consider myself lucky not to posses a lot of the skills people have honed like manipulation, self hatred, gossip, or anger as disconnect from source supplies innumerable difficulties in life. I intuitively had an opinion of what God was and one day I found a religion that has the exact same beliefs. I believe that I am highly connected to source, or God, or whatever you want to call it. We all are. I just allow myself to be connected. I found, listen to, and trust the voice within. The God within. Maybe an extension of intuition is what you could call it. We all have God within, most people are afraid to look inside. They would rather put their nose to the butt ahead of them, follow and be told how to think about God rather than go to the most unknown, themselves.

 I have learned though that it is still monstrously difficult for me to find people that I feel comfortable being around for an extended time or, what we all want, to be friends with. I see everyone's inability to figure life out, in a positive way and on their terms. I see their fears. I see what holds them back, mostly themselves. God isn't putting up stop signs specifically for them. People hold themselves down, and some do it too well. They put so much effort into hating themselves, or sabotaging themselves or their success, or manipulating others, etc.. So many people are disconnected from this the God within, their intuition. Clueless as to what is going on around them, acting out in non loving ways. I also see their potential. My wish is to motivate people to be the best that they can be, or to be the person God intended them to be. This is not an easy wish. People cling fast to their self depredation, and showing them a way that could enhance their life in a positive manner is probably the single most difficult challenge a person could ever undertake. But I feel its my path.

  There are many versions of disconnect from source, but most people fit into just a few categories.
So many people are out of control in their own lives, for different reasons yet pretty much within a set group of problems. Some try to control others. I can't begin to tell you how many of those there are in the world. At this writing, I would say most people fit into this category who aren't connected. For the record, you don't need to control others to get what you want. That's not the way. Actually, its pretty much a huge disconnect from source so if you want your life to continue to produce pain in some regard of your life, stay on the path of manipulation. Another group is the poor me/martyr syndrome.They're fun. Not. I grew up with that as a parent. You can't begin to imagine and I won't go into detail. These traits are not innate. You have to cultivate them. Why put so much energy into something that is only going to produce lack on some level? I am not familiar with how they feel or the reasons behind them, other than fear. There is only Love. Fear only exists in peoples minds but that's another post. 

Phone reading

 I did a reading for someone that I didn't know last night. On the phone. Cool! It started out slow as I wasn't getting much. His energy was soft and even. The first impression that I had was that he owned 2 cats. After that the information came more readily when he spoke. Hearing his voice many times aided in my receiving. By his speaking, I could tune in better to his vibration. He started asking questions which also helped a great deal. I will have to implement asking myself questions and note to future clients that questioning is an aid at this time. That is why some people use crystals and stones or others use tarot cards.

 In my minds eye I would receive pictures, and a knowing. His constant questions facilitated hearing and seeing more, like looking through the pile of puzzle pieces for the right one. I knew his father was a hard man, a drinker, and that he didn't ever want to see or acknowledge his son. The pain people inflict on themselves and others is unbelievable to me. I can't imagine having that type of energy or that type of life. I am lucky that I don't take work home with me in that I don't' try to fix these people. The information that I give them is from Spirit and what they choose to do with it is up to them.

 Accuracy is important for me. I was lucky in that he validated my reading virtually step by step. I realized that some people are eager to give you information and that I have to interrupt them as too much information isn't good for me at this time. Confirmation is.

Pursue your desires

 I was going to write about my evening with Monette and her psychic friend Brenda. That was the intent upon driving to Starbucks, to sit in air conditioning and reflect upon the evening. I think that in the world of spiritualism, things can change pretty quickly if you are open. I was listening to a story on the radio about a person’s life, which was transformed through his interaction with a horse. He was a prisoner, a young man apparently, who had never felt love until this horse gave it to him, and the people who worked there. I was so overcome with emotion. I practically cried. I think the tears welled in my eyes. Imagine: the light bulb coming on at that point in your life, and being in prison, that an animal changed a persons life, that an animal taught a person what love is. I am becoming slightly emotional just recalling it. I am learning that in order to become a better psychic, I need to pay closer attention to my emotions, and to the many other subtle nuances that I may not have noticed.

 More than anything, I want to be that person who makes a difference in people’s lives. I am learning that my inner most desires seem to correlate to who I am intended to be. Maybe you folks already know this, but it’s new to me. There appears to be a direct connection to feeling a strong emotion or desire and the seed of that feeling or desire already being planted inside of me. Destiny. I am destine to help people. Just like I was destine to become a psychic. I have always wanted to help people. It only makes sense that somehow I will do this. Ok, so I am feeling pretty stupid. I mean, doesn’t this just seem logical? Pursue your desires? When something moves your soul, is so moving that it makes you cry, stop in your tracks, a strong desires, Pursue it!!

 I did a reading for my friend Monette the other evening. It was late, around the same time it is now, 12:30 a.m. I wasn't tired and thought that I could use her as a guinea pig. I wanted to give a reading without trying. Whats 'without trying' you ask. I have no idea. I am not really sure how this works to begin with so not trying appears to be the same as trying. Not trying was just typing what came to me. No 'thought' involved. Please excuse all the quotes. Using thought isn't what being psychic is, at least for me at this point. Thought is just that, thought. Somehow I instinctively know the difference between a thought and a psychic knowing. Again, don't ask me how. Apparently I have been psychic for a while as this comes pretty easy for me. Funny, I remember thinking for years that there has to be something, anything that I can do that doesn't take umpteen years of practice. I mean come on. Isn't there just one thing on this earth that I am instinctively good at for cripes sake!? I tried so many things in my life and nothing came without grueling mistakes, redo's, and lots of studying. Finally,  being a psychic came without trying. Ok, I can deal with that. So, I type this long reading and then turn the computer off and go to bed. I send it to her in the morning knowing that I honestly had no hopes or expectations pinned on the outcome. Lucky for me. After Monette and I had a chance to review the content, she informed me that I was approximately "92.5% accurate". Get the heck out!! Really!! Freaking Sweet!! Here's something that I am pretty darn good at. Without even trying!! Finally.

 Last night at dinner Monette pressured me to read the waiter. I said that I was there to enjoy a meal and not read someone. I mean come on, there was a boat load of sushi in front of me and no one I knew for the past umpteen years liked sushi. I couldn't remember the last time I had sushi. I was in heaven. You want me to read the waiter? I threw her a bone and saw 3 things in him that I stated. She called the waiter over and he ended up talking to us for 20 minutes. Yep, correct again.

 So my ego was pretty big when I went to this beginners class for psychic development this evening. Don't ask how I find these classes, I just do. Anyway, I did good with finding the hidden object and knew what it was. I did pretty good at another exercise too. I totally flat lined at knowing what cards the teacher looked at. Goose egg score. I could here the air of my ego hissing out of my over inflated head. The next exercise was psychometry. This is where an item holds residual energy from the owner and I pick up that energy. I usually blow myself away with this. I got a woman's bracelet. I could have felt more from a stone. This thing was giving me nothing. All I could pick up was 'slow, and low.' What the heck is that!? Slow and low, for cripes sake. Its all I got. Boring. The owner never wore the item and had it in her pocket for a few hours previous to class. Ok, so for a beginners class I did pretty good. For a world class psychic, I sucked. This item was kept with her other jewelry so it should have picked up energy from that where in turn I should have picked up that energy. So everything doesn't come easy.

Momma Lee and timers

 So I sat with a friend last night and tried Psychometry which is holding a personal item and trying to pick up its energy. I have done this a couple times in the past with at least average/good success. Last night was pretty fun. The first item had little energy in it. I stated to the owner that the item had no meaning to her. Pretty much that was it. She told me I was correct but that it was previously owned by her mother. I now know that I need to go deeper in understanding/reading. The second item was a 15 minute story. At first I felt happiness and joy then followed by sadness. Odd I thought but I went with my impressions. I continued on as I felt the impressions, my words being noted by the owner. When we were done she was speechless. I had recounted the story of the owners life from beginning to end, with all the trials and tribulations that her life had. It was also said in the order of occurrence.

  I still don't know how to feel about this. I guess I am excited, but don't' know what to do with it. Don't ask me how I do this. I have no idea. It just is there, in my mind. I believe that there may be more psychic impressions that were always assumed to be my thoughts but aren't. I am anxious to learn the difference, somehow. There was a friend of mine named Lee who passed a couple years ago. A group of us got together on a regular basis to do Reiki. We all called here Momma Lee. She was the mother I never had, so loving and supportive. When I walked through the door she called me her little boy and always had the most delicious food/meals I have ever had.  I adored that woman. We all adored her. She was everyone's Momma in the group. She had a way of connecting with each person. Momma Lee was a Medium. She channeled an entity named Robert. Her funniest story was years ago Momma Lee's friend, who was also a Medium, and she got together one evening. Both of the entities that they channeled sat around that evening drinking beer and eventually becoming drunk. Momma Lee didn't get drunk for the experience and also stated that she peed standing up. I still laugh when I think of her telling the story. Well, the other night I was thinking and wondering if I could choose who I channeled, it would be Momma Lee. I don't recall focusing on it too hard but at one point either I set the timer that she gave me or it went off by itself. I can't remember but the timer went berserk. The digital numbers flashed in a non-readable manner, and the once beep, beep, beep of the alarm was frantically chirping annoyingly. That truly would be a blessing to have one of the most cherished women back in my life on a daily basis. I had never had the kind of love that she so freely and willingly bestowed upon me, forever filling an empty spot in my heart.

My favorite picture of Mamma Lee. She was in costume for a friends themed wedding.

 There are so many churches in this area that I am drawn too; Unity, Science of Mind, which now goes by another mantra, and Spiritualism. There are also psychics, mediums, healers, tarot readers, aura readers, animal psychics and the list goes on and on. Unity is more of a loosely based Christian religion while Science of Mind can simply be stated in terms of thought creates. Spiritualism does not believe in death, rather that the soul lives on, and that communication with the so called dead is possible. I resonate with Science of Mind and Spiritualism. Tonight I learned that there is a difference between a person who calls themselves a Psychic and a Medium. A psychic can read the energy and or thoughts of another person. A medium uses a spirit guide to be given information about another person. I am psychic. I have always been psychic. I knew when I was a child that I was different, for so many reasons. I could and still can look at most people and read them. By ‘read’ I mean that most people wear who they are like a story for me to read. It is so obvious to me that I have always wondered why others can’t see what is black and white to me. There aren’t literal words on these people, rather their eyes, hairstyle, clothes, body shape and size and many other physical characteristics all combine to create a visual story. Mostly I believe that I can see into people’s deepest part of their soul. I can see things about them that they don’t even know about themselves. I always think that if I could tell them what I see, their lives would improve, should they be able to face their demons.

 Because I was exposed to a challenging childhood and knowing that I was different on many levels, I have a tendency to believe that these experiences contributed to enhance my ability. It has always been there, although for most of my life I have wondered if I am psychic or just terribly judgmental. Lately, the past 2 months, it seems to have become front and center that this ‘gift’ is requesting more of my attention. So many events have happened that are just beyond cool, or luck,
or fate. Meeting a stranger who shares my ability then becoming friends while living a vagabond lifestyle who exposes me to new experiences, being exposed to virtually everything that I don’t want in life, recognizing it and making a conscious choice to leave it, and being able to relocate to an area that is safe, practically the epitome of a natural zoo like setting which feeds my soul I can’t begin to tell you, and now accepting the fact that I am to pursue this endeavor, whatever that means. I am being gently yet assuredly guided into this adventure of the unknown world of mysticism.

Yesterday, being Valentines Day, had no significance for me. The little guy with arrows and gold wings hasn’t shown himself to me in years. And years. Possibly he tripped and broke those sharp implements or I used up my quota already. Besides, we all know that he carries those arrows for a reason, love can be painful at times.
 The man that turns my head will be bigger than life, yet blend in with everyone else. And to put up with me, he has to be special. I already know that my life is going to be extra unordinary. When the time is right, keeping up with me will be difficult. Speaking engagements, readings, classes, and a few other businesses tied together will keep me confused on my location let alone a love interest trying to keep tabs on me. Maybe he’ll be with me on these sojourns. That would be heavenly.
 Regardless, sometimes it’s fun to buy into the main stream consciousness, or at least the commercialism of it all. So I text my new friend Monette to have diner, and we dive into a boatload of delicious sushi, literally. We met a few Sundays ago. I was at some metaphysical meeting, simply hoping to meet people. And to answer my question. I was sick and tired of thinking possibly and being told way too often that I am psychic. Or is that Psychic. Well, that day I told the Universe that I wanted an answer. Today was the day. It’s now or never. That’s what I thought. If I don’t find out today, I will not pursue this stupid, idiotic fantasy. No more prayers or mediation. No more attempts. I’m done. You know that scene in one of Harrison Ford’s movies where he is on a train and it derails with him and the other prisoners on board? As I recall it is in slow motion. That mass of energy crashing into the earth, showering the camera with dirt. You can just feel the intensity. It was nothing like that when I got my answer.
 I had spent the day going to a Spiritualist church, among other quests. If you’ve never been to one, go. The parishioners are wonderfully charming, and they give readings in church. It is enlightening. I was hoping to get my question answered but nothing. Nada. Then I spent the afternoon outdoors in nature looking for the answer. If you’ve never been, go. Again nothing. That evening I went to a metaphysical meeting where the topic was Science of Mind. They’ve changed their name to something more forgettable but, if you’ve never been, run to the nearest church. It will change your life. The meeting was interesting, as the Pastor from the church was new to the area trying to spread the word of Ernest Holmes. With the meeting over, you guessed it, nada. I have said a few good-byes and had my hand on the door knob.
 Picture this voluptuous, chocolate colored young lady trying to talk to me as I am walking out the door. I am tired, frustrated, and want to go back to my tiny trailer and start my life as what I had decided was a normal person. No more am I or aren’t I. I’m not. Fine. Let’s get on with life. And here’s this voice trying to keep me engaged in conversation. I really didn’t want to talk to her. I laugh at that thought now. That would have been the single most idiotic mistake of my life. You see, Monette is incredibly gifted as a Psychic, among many other things. Her voice and demeanor are soft and welcoming, nonjudgmental. Out of politeness, I step back into the room to answer her questions. Yea mom for instilling those traits. She was asking if I prefer Chris or Christopher. And what my last name was. My mind wasn’t engaged. I still wanted to leave. Who IS this person? I remember thinking, leave me alone. I want to go home. I want to put this entire day behind me. She disarmed me. I began to become interested in the conversation. The woman sitting between us told me that Monette is a very gifted psychic. As we talked, the conversation became quite interesting. A gifted psychic she is. She confirmed many facts about myself, answering my life long question.