The Fun Finders cousin

 I'm staying at a campground, if you could call it that, in Las Vegas. Sam's Town, where cement and pavement rule the surface of the earth.......ugh. I'm on the perimeter, the fringe, next to the few trees and grass, where it cost LESS to park. ?? The closer you are to the pool, surrounded by you guessed it, cement and pavement and NO tress or grass, it costs more.....?? I'm getting to the age where asking why is pointless. and I digress....

 I met the cousin to the Fun Finder. Virtually the same trailer albeit different manufacturer, with an extremely unique owner. Must be with that cute trailer that makes people so unique you say, well, the person who owns the cousin is dooms day all the way. It fascinates me how whatever your walk is in life, (whatever walk you decide to take, or claim as your own, as it is a conscious choice. there is no deity standing over you commanding you to be a happy, sad, depressed, lucky person. you c h o o s e it yourself) there seems to be a cloud that hangs over you. It follows you like a balloon tied to a string floating above your head all the while you go about life. Some clouds are happy happy and yet others are doom and gloom. Why is it that some people choose to work as waiters in a casino buffet restaurant? Why would you choose that? What is in your mindset, your beliefs, your thinking that tells you it's ok to do this type of work. The choices people make fascinate me. In retrospect, I guess that I too have been asleep to some degree most of my life. For some reason lately everything seems so clear to me. Hmm...maybe clear isn't the correct word. Because the more clear things appear to be, the less enjoyable this experience is becoming. Possibly it is simply a refinement of wants/needs/desires.

Exponentially

So, I don't know what is going on. I knew that I had to leave the Grand Canyon area and head east as I have decided that this trip is over. The loneliness is overwhelming. YEARS of this feeling in Wellsboro combined with 6 months experiencing amazingness solo- sucks. I no longer want to go through life alone. I have amazing friends that I need to reach out to more often. And I have been doing that, but it doesn't fill the need. Having someone to share this with, regardless of the intimacy level, right next to me would change how I function/process quite a bit. The function level in the fun finder would be a challenge but the process level would be enhanced exponentially.

 The lessons have been learned, deeply learned. Engrave into my brain, making sure that the rest of my life is fulfilled by the interests that I deem worthy. If I had to make a list, which i really should, being a Capricorn we love lists, I would be here a while. Safe to say that they're really not new dreams or thoughts, just interests that I have always had yet, for reasons only known to the abyss of my brain, never pursued. Growing up there were always favorite foods/meals that mom would prepare, or Aunt Vonnie's nutbread (unbelievably delicious) yet I don't know how to make all of them. WHY NOT!? This pisses me off. Something that i love and don't know how to make. Ridiculous. Preposterous.

 With the regain of control of this ship,  I hereby do declare that life WILL be fulfilling, interests WILL be pursued, laughter and friends WILL abound, life will be.....lived.

and that I AM worthy.

More pics of Grand Canyon

 At the very west end of the Rim Trail is Hermits Lodge

 At the end of the 20 mile Rim Trail.

Hermits Lodge

Pics of Grand Canyon

 View from Bright Angel Trail

 One of the cabins you can rent. Anyone interested?

Kolb Studio

 Bright Angel Trail

 taken from Rim Trail

 Rim Trail is 20 miles with bus shuttles at every major viewing area

The average person spends 3 1/2 hours at the Grand Canyon. Obviously I'm not average, thank God. I've spend 3 days there and have only walked the Rim trail, and of that only about 12 miles. Most of the Lodges are along the rim and what isn't can be easily explored in the Grand Canyon Village. There is so much to see that moving at a quick pace isn't the point. Breathtaking, jaw dropping, mind boggling experiences encompass most of my time here. Day 4 I hope to complete the Rim Trail. If not, there's always day 5. Spoiled.

back at the canyon

 Being in Flagstaff, I could bounce back and forth to Sedona and the Grand Canyon. I have since moved to just a few miles outside the Grand Canyon. I had uneasy feelings about coming here and am not sure why. Coming up without the trailer and checking out where to park was a big relief. Who thought that you could boondock right outside a National Park. But that hasn't relieved my tension. My spot outside the park is grand. Surrounded by tall pines and gorgeous sky, no explanation for the fear. Just after leaving my spot in Flagstaff, a hawk, which I haven't seen in a number of weeks, flew right in front of me. Hawks are my totem and I would always see them daily. This hawk flew just above the road, almost grazing it,  directly in front of me, as if leading me. Then it turned and flew to my left, south. The meaning? I'm with you is the first, stay low, keep your head low, watch out, watch where your going.....the pine needles crunch beneath my feet where I am boondocking, making me uneasy,  and there is a warning today due to wind and low humidity.

Sedona

T

 These pictures were taken driving from Flagstaff to Sedona through the Oak Creek Canyon. The color of the stones in the water were so unexpected. Also, the large boulders were more or less of the same color providing a fun dichotomy between the two.

 I could add a hundred pictures of Sedona. It wouldn't convey the experience. The area felt like visiting your grandfather, who you hadn't seen in a while. That warm and friendly, familiar and safe, rugged and caring man who could melt your heart. Sedona is priceless, a must see yet more so a must experience.

Grand, just grand

 Grand Canyon

 I don't know what happened. Everything. Nothing. Maybe just verbalizing my thoughts helped. Nah.
All I know is that I do Not feel the same. I think part of it is being out of NM. What a depressing place. So many people there that I talked to said that as soon as they saw the land, they knew they were home. Georgia O'Keeffe loved it there. It makes New Jersey look like paradise. (There, how many people can I offend at once.) I will never go back- unless I am on tour, and that's a long shot!

 Crossing into Arizona the change was immediate. The vegitation existed, the terrain seemed to change along with the feel. There must be some past life reason why I felt and noticed how much more beautiful Arizona is. It has helped change my attitude completely. The weather hasn't been the best, yet it is still amazing unpredictably beautiful. While on the phone with a friend, the sun was out and it was snowing. Not snow like back east. Back east we have snow flakes. Light, airy, wispy that melt as soon as they touch anything. This was more like that ice melt you purchase, little white balls that bounce when they hit the truck and let you know that they're arrived. Arrogant little guys saying notice me. So beautiful.

 Sedona

  I found joy. I found peace. I found reason. Hopefully it will keep the momentum going. Flagstaff, Sedona, and the Grand Canyon are so visually moving. You can't help but make that connection to spiritual. At least I can't. And to think I wanted to walk away from this. The lessons never stop, the learning never stops, the fear does get easier. I knew that if I could just get through that rough patch, the other side would be different. I didn't know that it would make me even stronger in ways that are difficult to express. I could simply say that, traveling has allowed me to focus on the life I want. Getting past the fear and loneliness has reiterated that focus into a strong desire, a need, a worthiness.

cusp

I have to finish whatever it is that I started.
I don't know what that is- at this juncture of the journey.
It seems to have gotten confusing lately.
But I do feel the end of this experience is very near.
Maybe it will end with a parade and confetti, the truths being known,
or simply a nondescript moment in time with the turning of a page.
I do hope that the experience enhances my future in unimaginable ways.

Solo

 Well, its been an interesting few days. The blue skies have crept into my consciousness creating gray, discomfort within myself, a lack of interest to continue. I've hit a wall. Sometimes I can pass through it easily, today I think I made myself sick. I almost crawled back in the trailer and just slept. My version of closing down. I've lost the point of this journey. Seeing these amazing places is wonderful, I must admit, but the......passion, the thrill, the excitement is gone. 5 months and a few days have come succumb into a slow motion crash. I've lost the point of this journey. It's not to say that I haven't learned a tremendous amount about myself that was previously obscured. I know what I want. I'm ready to start my life. Now.

 I emailed a friend for words to help me get through this and he was great in his response. I'm very lucky to have a friend like that. But continuing would be.....pointless. What would be the point? What would it prove? I know, I've come this far, may as well continue. I'd just be going through the motions though. I think a better approach would be to settle down and pursue a valuable life that I realize I need: Community, friends, those connections that I long for. I've learned friends are the most important facet of life, after health. Culture, music, art, and the ability to interact with them. Finally, a career. (whatever that is...) Then I could travel, as I've always dreamed of, for a month or two and have a base, a home, a community to come home to. This disconnect is....has prioritized my version of what I want my life to be. And I want to start it Now.

lack of internet

 No internet in Madrid so i am pulled over in Santa Fe in an Albertson's parking lot while horses in a trailer let me know this place is unique. The beauty is all around, with more sky than earth, giving everything a new meaning. I woke to temps probably in the 20's, I don't know the exact temp nor want to. I just know my water didn't freeze. When its that cold I usually wake up around 6am, as I have the past 2 days, as that is when it is the coldest. Today turned out to be incredibly gorgeous and warm. It seems that no matter where I go I can see mountains with snow on them. I spent today in Bandelier National Monument. The drive alone was a sight to behold. Switchback roads dipping high and low with terrain I have only seen in pictures. Amazing. I did take pics but I doubt that they can capture the awe and beauty. Yesterday was Georgia O'Keeffe's museum and while her art is truly amazing and moving, she, like so many others here, knew that as soon as they saw the landscape, that they belonged here. I wish I could say that but I long for green rolling hills of the northeast. Pennsylvania is so incredibly beautiful that I can wait to return some day to gaze at her soft rolling hills and hear the sounds of Pine Creek while I toss a fishing line in with hopes of catching only the beauty in the hills. I am anxious to get to Colorado as I believe it to be like home with more majestic mountains and rushing waters yet I have Arizona and Utah yet to visit first. Maybe in those places I will find where I belong. If not, there always the northeast.