The house is empty except for items that go into the trailer. I would have put them in today but it is going down to be down in the low 20's tonight. Oh the longing for sun and warmth. I visited, for the last time, my uncle who noted for at least the 3rd time that I can bring my little home on wheels back to his place anytime to visit. He was visibly emotional by my leaving. He shook my hand and then gave me a hug. The first one I remember. The ending of a lifetime of memories for him, the first glimpse of caring for me.

 I spent Thanksgiving with a new friend and her family. It was truly great. I figured that I would constantly be in situations where I was the new person so I will count this as the beginning of the Spiritual Nomad lifestyle. My host, Kate, and I have a spiritual bond that is best described as a cozy warm blanket wrapped around me while gazing out of the window onto natures painting. Meeting my friends family, with their  different lifestyle and traditions, is always an interest to me. I am fascinate by how other people make this life a life. And they do a great job of it.
  Then I went to see the remaining family that resides here. At one time, my father and his 2 brothers lived in on the same street with their families and my grandparents on my paternal side. Everyone has passed except my fathers youngest brother and his wife who still have the original farm. At the turn of the last century my family owned most of this valley. All that is left is about 80 acres as time truly changes everything. Selling my family homestead has become less emotional for me as it is now time for my dreams to come true. I am so thankful for the friends, family, and the simple opportunity to experience life on my terms, finally.

 Today I spent moving into the Fun Finder. So far everything is fitting. 2 more rooms in the house are also empty. Today was peaceful and easy emotionally. It is great to be moving forward with life.

 Yesterday and today have been extremely productive. Last minute runs to Goodwill and the 2 storage locations that I have are requiring less possessions being moved about. My one location is at a friends barn where the goal was to keep what I deemed necessities. And things that I just didn't have time to sell. Funny what a person deems necessary. I kept, in no particular order of importance, gardening paraphernalia including my 2 beloved swings. There's just something about a swing that signifies a great view with time to enjoy it. The one is so beautifully crafted that I doubt I could ever find another. Childhood toys that are mostly my brothers. His are from the the late 50's and early 60's. They are just too cool to part with. Carpentry tools are always good to have. Books. What can I say. I love them. And a few miscellaneous items of kitschy home decor. I intend to return in the spring to have yet another yard sale and purging. The other storage location is at antoher friends. Here I kept Christmas items that I just can't part with. I use to be Mr. Christmas, spending thousands of dollars on decorations that were hand blown glass. Other items kept there are items that I didn't want to keep in a barn. This location isn't heated but it is an insulated room. Again, in the spring will be another purging, depending upon the lifestyle at the time. Great thing about life is that one never knows what the future holds. On my way home, I spotted a double rainbow. The 2nd one in my lifetime. I pulled over and just stared while the rest of the world seemed completely oblivious. And I didn't have my camera phone....

 More items have been leaving the house, either through giving them away, selling them, or storing them. I think it's funny how I have 9 days left and I am still listing things on craigslist and this evening ended yet another windfall on ebay. I am truly blessed. The added finances will be of benefit not only to myself but others, allowing me to volunteer my services to anyone who needs them.
 My buddy Matt came up Saturday to assist with moving items. It was a great way for us to spend time together and to share spiritual thoughts and ideas. And I am grateful that he was here as the new owners are trying at times. Instead of asking me something, they called their Realtor to call mine to call me to ask me something when I was talking and standing right next to them 20 minutes previous. Accepting people as they are is much easier said than done when they are more on your thought and behavior level. Dealing with people older than myself  who's behavior is more like a 7 year old challenges me to walk the talk. It took me a few minutes to come around spiritually and think that I would have to hold their hands through this process and show them love, maturity, sacrifice, and open communication without anger, having to be pushy or obnoxious to have needs met.  Which seems to be how many people attain their needs. Force. To be fair, it takes a strong person to be spiritual. Instead of looking externally to find the answers, we look  internally. External is easy. Do this, think that, this will be the result. Follow the leader and all will be well. To look internal requires so much more. The unknown of self and the possibility to recognize and identify traits we may want to change is difficult. We only have ourselves to interpret ourselves. In my opinion, the most difficult task on earth. To know thyself. It is a lifelong process and one that some of us have no control over. We must constantly monitor ourselves and improve our
spiritualism, to be a better person. 

One step closer

 Finding my time today not engulfed with packing, sorting, and selling,  I am actually beginning to enjoy this process more. I know that I should have been all along. I know. How did i get off that balance where all was good. Will I ever find balance again? I hope so. I keep saying to myself 'when'.  When mom passes, I can start my life. When settling the estates are done, I can start my life. When the house closes, I can start my life. I am so fucking sick of when. I think it's just an excuse. For some reason. I had a situation today where I wasn't the man/person that I want to be. I took the ego approach. I am so sick of dreaming of the man that  I want to be instead of just being him. I am so tired of reacting with ego or fear.When the hell am I ever going to slow down and get it right.

All a dream

 Today is the first time that I actually feel that I can see the end in sight. The majority of the packing, sorting, storing is complete, leaving entire rooms empty. 2 weeks from today I will be sitting at closing, probably thinking this is all a dream. 6 years caring for a parent. 6 years. I put my life on hold, not all by choice. Daily watching the color of my life fade away while reminders of lost dreams play like a soft tune in the background. But then, without this experience,  would I be living in a travel trailer traveling the country. My lifelong dream.

Windfall

 The past couple days are unusual in the fact that I have earned, oh, about $2300. Half of what I earned all of last year.  Between ebay, craigslist, and scrap metal, who knew my possessions would bring this kind of green within such a short time of leaving on this vagabond dreams journey. A very welcome gesture from the Universe as a sending off. Thank you Universe. The Fun Finder travel trailer  will be the recipient of the windfall. A tidy little 2000 watt generator, and 2 6 volt Trojan batteries will sparkle like a crown on his brow. For myself, a used camcorder. Part of the dream of the experience is to make video travel blogs, regional cooking blogs, and eventually a documentary. I never did enjoy regular television too much but I could watch The National Parks "America's Best Idea" over and over. There's something about a connection, education, or simply exposure to a person, place or thing that beats a sitcom hands down.

It's been rewarding to document the ups and downs of this experience. I can happily report that I have regained balance.Consistently. Even when the guy who purchased the desk set tried to carry part of it through a doorway  not as wide as the desk, marring the trim that, for a lifetime, was meticulously cared for. Not to mention the fact that after he bounced off the trim the first time, he tried again. I kept my cool. The damage was done but I wasn't going to allow it to manipulate me.

 It's amazing how much time it takes to dissolve an estate. Well, actually 2 estates. My mother lived in this house for 60 years where she raised 4 children. Since I lived here also, all my possessions were here. A few of my older siblings items were here also. Mostly my brothers. I have the belief that dissolving an estate does not include having a dumpster dropped off in the driveway and all items disposed of in that manner. No, I have to go through every item, every box, virtually every paper to honor my heritage. Now, don't get me wrong, things did get thrown away, but only after they had been acknowledged. Things also got sold. I spent more time on ebay and craigslist than anyone can imagine. And just today I made more money in one day that I have ever made in my lifetime. I sold 3 Old World Christmas lights that I had purchased as gifts for mom, Ellen, Lori, and myself in the late 80's and early 90's. $1700 in sales in one day. Also, I have had 4 yard sales in the past 2 years and can honestly state that i have given away enough items to completely furnish a home. I don't believe in filling landfills with things that someone else can use. Thank God for freecycle. And it will be very interesting to utilize these marketplaces in other parts of the country to experience peoples behaviors there.

The past couple weeks I have tried to be optimistic about this adventure that I am undertaking. Somehow, I have gotten bogged down in the process of ridding myself of virtually all material possessions, even letting little old lady's piss me off.  I should be happy for cripes sake. I shouldn't have to try to be optimistic. My soul has told me for a long time that this is my destiny. This is why I am on this earth.
  I was with a new friend at lunch today. She called my vagabond journey a vision quest. The second she
stated it, I knew that was what I was doing. I lived under the rule of a parent that made sure there was absolutely no joy in my life, and that reiterated daily my lack of worth. It only makes sense that I would be looking for myself. We also talked about not being optimistic and that there is only Love and fear. I was obviously coming from fear. Damn! and I know better. It upsets me so to be on this spiritual journey and forget the basics. I guess I have neglected that side of myself.

The dining room table and chairs left this evening for their new home, new memories. They were purchased by my parents as their first set in the home that they built, along with my maternal grandfather.
Lifetimes were born and died around the simple elegance of it's mannered frame. It holds the energy of many many souls, who's whereabouts are long ago forgotten. Childhood memories of stilted love. Adolescent boredom, nervous tension and countless burnt meals, yet the significance of it being carried out, piece by piece in the dark of night feels heavy.

I love laying in bed before completely waking up.
That period of cozy, warmth. The mind with it's thoughts.
It is as close to meditating that I have gotten lately.
I find that my thinking, or whatever my mind is doing, is clear, insightful.
Maybe a better way to state that is that my thoughts seem precise
and without fear. I believe that I can see things clearly. Problems or issues
are figured out in a place of peace and safety. I love that time of day
and the clarity that comes with it.

I  had a realization that I have been allowing the events of my life control me. I KNOW better than this, but somehow I got caught up in it. There is so much to do with moving out of the homestead and preparing for a life on wheels, which I know virtually nothing about. I am a type of person who doesn't enjoy being unprepared, yet have hungered over a lifestyle that is completely unplanned, traveling with the wind of fate to fulfill adventure where it blooms. Which one am I? Controlling, precise, planned or carefree, faithful in the knowledge that who and what I am to experience will expose themselves to me.
I know and believe that I am a co-creator in this life experience. That the Universe and I are a team. We work together creating by my thoughts and that I also must experience events that are preplanned for me.
Somehow I lost sight of reality, what is important. So I slowed down today. I stopped and chatted with Kate who had taken care of mom while she was in Hospice. I returned some tools that I borrowed to remove the hot water drain and hoped for a visit with Timothy but he wasn't home. While driving to have some
work done on the red truck, I noticed 2 hawks together high up in a tree. A mile or so down the road I spotted another one.
Hawks seem to be a totem animal for me. I see them often, but not lately.
The point is to control how I deal with life events and situations and not let them control me. To remember that if I am so busy doing, that I won't see the miracles around me nor the communication with Spirit. 

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Spiritual Nomad is a non-fictional story of my life's experiences. The story will weave my current spiritual vagabond adventure and past life events into the exploration of self, Spiritualism, living on the road, and the people that I encounter along the way.

My goal is to live a Spiritual Nomadic life that is full of adventure. I have no direction, rather I trust that I will be guided by Spirit where I am needed and that the events and people that I meet will allow me in some way to make a difference.

I believe that I am meant to wander this earth, drifting in and out of people's lives reflecting joy and peace. I have innate talents knowing who a person is just by looking at them. To me, people wear who they are for me to read, like the words on a page. I can clearly see what type and kind of person they are. I can see their hopes and joys, and I can see their pain.